Okay, this is my first post-"hiatus-posting" entry. And it's a run as duly acceptable.
Tonight, I had to run out some nervous energy. As mentioned before, today (Saturday) was an official work day. The mood at the office was different. Asides from the fact that there were fewer people there, there was a definite casuality present... jeans, shorts, t-shirts, sweat-jackets.
In addition, the company invited a number of boys and girls clubs from the community onto campus for games and free food. The free food -- gourmet hot dogs, chips, cookies, drinks -- in addition to some free stuff -- canvas bag, frisbee, lanyard, spirit pennant -- definitely boosted the morale. I even took a sit-in-the-car-and-listen-to-music break.
There wasn't all the pressures of a normal work day, and as an effect, I think that I was more productive. I took more-effective breaks, which led to more-effective productive time. I did put in my 9 hours.
But the overall feeling for the day was: lonely. My mind just kept going to the fact that I realized that I was falling for someone that is unattainable and by my own accord.
Falling, fallen, may fall. The emotional timeline is a blur.
"More than I should" is how I feel.
And I though my mind says "slow, slow", it has a low capacity for maintaining limbo.
I find myself on both sides of an exchange between Vesper Lynd and James Bond in Casino Royale...
You're not going to let me in there. You've got your armour back on.
I have no armour left. You've stripped it from me. Whatever is left of me - whatever I am - I'm yours.
For me, that fantasy struck too close to home. Heart-wrenching. Bitter-sweet. Because I could imagine it happening, yet I knew that I have no indication that it would. Enough to get me started towards that less-than-optimistic cheery place.
So that is the emotion that I had been carrying all throughout my phantom Saturday. And I was very set to catharticize myself to sleep, but for whatever reason decided to fight it and try my luck at another long run.
Almost impossible to measure on any Gmap Pedometer and with forgetting to keep track of the start/end times, all I can do is guess. I'm figuring at least 6-6.5 miles, and would go as far as 6.75 miles. As for time, I'm thinking anywhere from 50-55 minutes. I ran from home to WM (short-way) then to the avenue where I did a few round-and-roundback loops then looped the new sports park at the end of lake andrew then I ran to the end of the judge fran jamieson way then back.
I wore my light-blue sleeveless jockey shirt, long black running tights, and my reeboks with the light-green sports insoles -- I learned from last night's run. I also ran with music... my Casino Night mix:
1. The Killers "All These Things I've Done"
2. Nelly Furtado "Explode"
3. Chris Cornell "You Know My Name" (theme from Casino Royale)
4. Junior Boys "In The Morning"
5. Nelly Furtado "One-Trick Pony"
The first two tracks will probably be my Song(s) of the Week.
The song from The Killers, to me, is my official theme of the week. It's an anthem that combines self-assertiveness with a sense of uncertainty and dependence:
When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on
I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand
Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no
Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the blackburner
You know you got to help me out
And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be
Nelly Furtado's "Explode" continues the idea of self-reassessment, accompanied by a more-pressing urgency. To me, the song is about looking back at the past and realizing that they were grittier than we led ourselves to think.
The two songs in the reverse order would be like a confession followed by a request for acceptance. As I have it above, I feel like they, instead, are pulling off layers.
("I have no armour left. You've stripped it from me. Whatever is left of me - whatever I am - I'm yours.")
And I return to one of my natures...
In college, on those late nights that I was overly overcome by emotions, I've gone on what I'd called "death-marches... which entailed of me running as far as I could as fast as I could until I was physically exhausted (cramping all over), followed by a session of me laying in the dark on some grass somewhere talking to myself until I was mentally exhausted, followed by another session of running until again physically exhausted, barely able to walk. I'd pass out asleep soon-there-afterwards.
Tonight wasn't so dramatic (college was a "heightened" time).
I just didn't want to "give up" and wake up tomorrow still feeling sorry for myself. And I wanted to see if I could, in some way, "undo" the run from last night. And I think that I made up mentally-run-wise for yesterday.
Anyways, on the way home from work, I stopped by Wal-Mart to pick up some running gels. Outside the store, there was a line of people in home-brought chairs, waiting for the Nintendo Wii systems to be available at 12:01am tonight (I was told that there was a similar line Thursday night for the PS3).
I took my first gel almost immediately after starting the run, and by mile one, I knew that my legs were feeling better. By mile two, I was running briskly, and by mile three I was on automatic. On my way back, I took my second gel, and I was hauling with what would be a very respectable race pace. And with four-tenths-of-a-mile left, I went into a full sprint. My kick.
Now, here at home, I'm feeling better having talked/blogged/thought/expressed myself to an exhaustion, but I'm not entirely past this not-completely-unexpected, long-overdue "dark interval", though some food and good tv couldn't hurt.
Hopefully, tomorrow's excursion will also help, wherever it end up being to...
- Disney (it's been a while)
- Universal Studios(to use a ticket that expires at the end of the year)
- Nike Outlet (to buy new shoes)
- the Tea House (to see familiar friendly faces and to grab a Yellow Curry Chicken Salad sandwich on Pumpernickel)
- Winter Park Regal (to see Stranger Than Fiction/Fast Food Nation/The Queen/Marie Antoinette/The Prestige/Babel/The Departed)...
- or the Enzian (to see The Last King of Scotland because Forest Whitaker's a guaranteed Oscar nod, might as well)
So, I'm giving the day-off as far as the Sunday long run goes. I've done about 24 miles so far this week (4, 6, 7 1/2, 6 1/2). I'll could try to put it over 30, but I'd be fine if I didn't.
I have no closing for this entry. I'm still confused, conflicted. And just am needing some me-time... some unscheduled-but-that's-okay-because-it's-just-me time. If someone wants to make plans with me, then I'd probably be up for it, but for my sanity's sake, as far as I know, I'm going solo tomorrow.
This is how I feel: