JOURNAL: FFwd

Eating my aforeblogged meatloaf while sitting in my steaming car listening to my aforeblogged music, I came to the realization that I am a lost boy. I respect my dad for all he's done for me but don't look to him for personal advice, and currently I'm not speaking with my older brother because he's disappointed me as a man and older brother. And I'm only realizing now that I've been flying without a net for a while. It's not an excuse/explanation for my attraction to men, but could add some insight as to my dilemma as far as personal interactions go.

I'm needy when it comes to approval. I have little motivation to do something if I can't imagine it producing a good feeling. And that applied philosophy as tied to interacting with guys gets complicated quickly. And that leads to my need to know where guys stand as far as attractions go. What I need are some really cool straight guy friends. Still, living in somewhere as sexually-restrictive as Melbourne, leads to some attempt at covert identities. I have a difficult time handling that. I've got to get out of here. Where then? and When? Chicago? Vancouver in five years? What will I have to offer by then? I don't need this drama.