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It's been a rough day so far... still feeling lonely and left-out/forgotten at work. I don't hear nearly as much as I really really should, and it's constantly frustrating. I'm feeling more and more depressed, and with network/server problems, feeling more and more unable to accomplish the work that I should/could/need to be. It's 6pm, and I'm here perhaps for another four hours, pushing myself so that I can have Friday free to go to Epcot (and planning on going back to Epcot with some friends in the near-again future). I realized that Coming Out With Pride Orlando is this Sunday, so that's more driving, and I'm not sure if I'm going to be feeling all too gay after my mentally exhausting campaign at work tonight. It's been a very dismal National Coming Out Day. I don't have the confidence to throw my cares to the wind at work, finding out how Republican this place is, even after the very liberating time I had watching Kathy Griffin on stage last night... reality's setting in again. Dammit. And all the angst is wreaking havoc on my GI system, like Kathy, I'm getting self-conscious about possibly showing signs of ass-crack sweat. Frick, I really shouldn't care. I need to run tonight, but it'd be 11pm by the time I supposedly am to get home tonight. If I just go home, sleep, then wakeupgotowork, then perhaps I can actually leave a few minutes early tomorrow and not have to rush to practice. Likely, I'll get home tonight and put in my two-hours of wasted-time before forcing myself to bed. I really need a hug... not the best reason to consider dating again, but some local emotional support would be much appreciated. God knows I'm having a hard time getting that at work.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
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Going over it again, it was a pretty well-focused rant if I do say so myself. Yeah, it got a little worse before getting better. "Talking with" someone who didn't care that I was hurting in the stomach badly and had already heard the story/stories before, pushed me over the edge and I had a quick NB while on the phone with my sister, who put a big band-aid over the whole situation. And lately I've been putting my emotions and feet squarely into my mouth (and my driving), quickly regretting my inpulse expressions... I'm thinking that all of this is pointing to some more serious issues. So I'm going to schedule an appointment with Rich, fess up to my lack up keeping consisted with the meds, asking for some guidance, though I really don't see how he can be of any help... I already know what I ultimately have to do. My sister also knows, and anyone reading who have been following could take an accurate stab at it. Local support is what I need. Who to talk to, who to trust, because I've been needing to be more selective as to who I confide in (and to those work-related readers, no, I do not discuss work). Internal angst, self-doubt, denial and insecurities, growing bitterness/cynicism, a flooding feeling of selfishnesses and their plausible justifications. Am I hitting all of the hundred-dollar keywords? Self-preservation, but still with the desire for contribution. How does everyone else do it? A smile, a moment away from work and fight for means to live. I need to live, and I don't mean those "tiny 'yay's here-and-there". I mean being in the environment where I'm constantly being fed... not only the good, but the challenges... not "drama" per se but meaningful growth. There's just a lack of opportunity here. I'm feeling more like I'm straddling the closet door here, being who I am, but not at work... and that type of environment is not healthy. I'm thinking, June 2007, Gay Days, as when I should have a decision. One more day.
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